I Always Knew I was Different

I just got done watching Prayers For Bobby, Sigourney Weaver plays a religious mother who hearing her son is gay  disowns him.  Her son later kills himself and she is left to deal with it.  How she deals with it is the message of this movie.  At one point while talking to a PFLAG mother she is told that every mother knows when her child is different.  The child knows from an early age as well, that they are different.


I always knew I was different, I just didn't know what the difference was.  I can remember at a young age playing in the dirt with my best friend and his toy trucks and haulers.  We would build bridges and have rivers running under them.  Playing with  Erector Sets and Lincoln Logs building sets, we had hours of fun. 


I remember when I was about 3 or 4 watching my father shave, and being excited about the day when I too could do that.  I did everything with my dad. He trapped rabbits when I was really young, for food.  I remember going into the field with him to bring back the rabbits.  I don't remember eating them.  When I got older we worked a garden together.  Someone gave me 12 tomato plants of my very own.  We had so many tomatoes that year we sold some to the local grocer. 


The best times with my dad was when we went fishing.  He taught me everything I know.  Where and when to pick worms, the best time to fish, the best weather to fish in.  Funny thing my dad didn't like eating fish, just fishing.  I liked both.  I'm sure my dad didn't know it but he was showing me how to be a man.  


I heard plenty of times that my dad wanted a boy.  Three girls is what he got.  I was born the day before his birthday, I'm sure it was a sign of some kind.


I taught my self to whistle like a guy and even entered a whistling contest on summer.  I taught myself to ride a bike.  I had this brand new bike I got for Christmas, with training wheels.  One day I came home from school and wanted to ride it but it was locked inside the house, cause it was new.  My cousin who was younger than me had an old bike his folks had given to me.  It was outside, cause it wasn't new.  I wanted to ride so bad I got the old boys bike and got on.  I was riding around the neighborhood, like I had training wheels on.  Mom can home and saw me riding my bike.  She asked how I learned, who showed me how, who taught me.  I told her I just got on it and forgot about the training wheels.  My younger sister got my new bike, and I road proudly with my old boys bike.


I had a doll once. When I was real little.  She got into an accident when one of the neighbor boys threw her into some really tall grass.  I tried to find her but she was gone.  The grass was so tall and who knew what lurked in there.  I left her there.  Next spring, the grass was flattened and there in the middle of the field was my doll.  I took her home cleaned her up and wrapped her in bandages.  I have no idea what her name was.  I never played with her after that.  There was something not right with her.  I gave her make believe pills, and re-wrapped her 'broken' body several times.  Nothing could fix what was wrong.  I think I must have treated her like I thought I needed to be treated.  I was some how broken and nothing would fix me I was 3 or 4 years old.  I didn't know what was 'wrong' but something was.