Sunday, May 26, 2013
So Confusing
I am so confused. Everything is connected to everything else, which is really cool but messes my head up. What a head ache. Google, Blogger, Face book, YouTube... Not are they only connected they all have to be upgraded, new formats, egads. It could take me days, no weeks, OMG maybe months to get each page set up. O my head, what if... what if... it takes me YEARS!!! Think about it, every few months they upgrade their software. I think I'm going to >>>SCREAM<<<<
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Last night I had a dream
Disclaimer... this is not about religion. Or any religious belief. This is about Spirit. Blessings.
Let me paint you a picture that is so vivid you will be able to see, feel, smell, hear and taste the story I am about to tell you. I hope I am able to do this in a way that you might experience as I did my dream. If it was a dream.
Let me paint you a picture that is so vivid you will be able to see, feel, smell, hear and taste the story I am about to tell you. I hope I am able to do this in a way that you might experience as I did my dream. If it was a dream.
First I want to share some background with you. First. I sent a link for a video, to my whole family and a few friends. There was nothing objectionable at all about this video, anyone one who believes in God or reads the Bible. It is a 'sermon' given in verses of the Bible from Genesis to Revelations. Every book is covered.
One of my sisters was not pleased that I had posted this to her facebook page. I should ask first and I guess that is true to some degree, however when you want to share something really special, you don't think in those terms. Well I kinda took it personally. I would never put something on someones page that was inappropriate for them. I didn't know she couldn't get videos so it was a bust anyway.
Second. I belong to a group who's Shepard is Robert Rutherford pastor of The Bridge in Eatonton, Georgia. One of the folks on there had suggest I friend this lady who seemed from my point of view to be rather closed minded. (Opinions can be dangerous, they keep you from going a head. Or doing what might be wise) I came to realize that lurking sometimes gets better results than 'in your face'. I have come to see that now as quietly insinuating myself and beliefs toward other people. Lurkers find truth without being pushed to it. ( You may not understand what I just said but that's ok)
On to the dream.....
I had a hard time getting to sleep Friday night. And once I did, I'm not sure just how asleep I really was. Ever have a dream that you knew you were dreaming but still it seemed so real? And if you woke up enough to realize you were out of the dream you wanted to go back to sleep to keep dreaming? That's how it was for me.
My dream started with my sister I'm not sure if she was on my computer or her own but I heard her banging on the key board and the tower and saying 'How dare you insinuate your belief on me.' I was like wtf. Some how or other she decided to go with me to this place. It must have been a plantation at one time the house was big and had a lot of property. We were packing our suitcases getting ready to go on this really long trip to get to this house. I'm not sure which one of us was driving. When we got to the House the place was huge. Massive. Grand. It was night time and the place was lit up like the fourth of July. There were thousands of people there. You could smell all manner of foods being served. Table upon table filled with mouth watering delights. Anything you might imagine to be eaten could be found. How had they known to prepare for so many people, where were the outdoor grills they must have cooked for days on? Then I started seeing people I knew from my facebook family. I knew them instantly even though many had put pictures of their younger selves or not personal photos at all, on their web pages. I knew them. Then I realized I saw no cars. I asked my sister if she remembered driving, neither of us did. Where were our suitcases? How did we get here? One moment we want to come the next we were here and until it was noticed weren't worried about the legalistic of how all this came to be. Through the crowds we heard someone was coming. There was this big field like in field of dreams that was lighting up. Everyone headed that way to see who it was that was coming. The closer we got the brighter it became. Yet still I could not see an individual person of importance at the center. Still the light grew. It became almost blinding. Where was the light coming from? Why do I feel so full of awe and wonder? Why am I crying? Everywhere I looked it was the same. People were crying and beaming at the same time. My sister beside me was crying and the look of love on her face, nearly broke my heart. She reach out and hugged me. Everyone was hugging someone. The light got brighter still. No one person had claimed the 'spot light'. The light was not coming from any lamps or spot lights, yet it was all around.
As I write this I am in tears, I feel myself as if I were still in that field. I feel the light on me, warm and loving. I see the friends I've made on facebook. Not just those friends from one group but from all the groups I belong to. Farmville, my trans-brothers, my GLBT family, my living and dead family members. I saw my Grandmother Jenkins and didn't wonder why someone who was dead for many years would be here in this field with living friends. When no one claimed the center of attention I finally realized where our long awaited host was. By what ever name you call God, and for me it is the Great Divine, he/she/it, was is will ever be the light. The light did have a source. It came from everyone in that field. There was no need for a light source, no need for the host to appear, the light and the host were the same. The light came from with in me. It comes from with in you. The Christian bible calls him Jesus, by what ever name you call your greater power, it comes from with in. Blessings.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sex and Gender Brought Me Back to The Divine (2)
Where Science and Religion Meet...
About six years ago I had a drug induced revelation, with out the drugs. I was doing laundry at a laundry mat, sitting outside on the stoop, having a smoke when the universe exploded in my mind. I witnessed the 'BIG BANG'. No gas, no matter, just a swirling of ideas. I 'saw' the thought of God. As a single 'being' alone. If I were the Great Divine alone, how would I know myself? How would I know light and dark, self and other, if I had nothing to compare with? Alone, No movement, No light, No other? What if God wanted to experience all? How could it, if there were no other, nothing but 'self'?
I know... lets create a being like self... (I AM) Let's create a place for this other to live, but how, when there is nothing other and from what does self create... from self! from I AM.
All this 'thought' got to spinning around one idea bumping into another idea, like molecules spinning and bumping faster and faster causing friction and heat until.....
Ever wonder what the Great Divine created every thing from? Not magic, something from nothing. I think it must have followed it's own rule that we live by and you can't get something from nothing. So, where did it come from? Children are apart of their parents, the DNA of both lives within the child. We are the Children of the Divine, the Divine must also be apart of us. The Bible says we are created in his image from the dust of the earth. The earth had to come from some where.
In that moment when I 'saw' the Big Bang in my mind I saw the creation of worlds, stars, day, night, plant, animal, fish, birds, bugs, and the human race. I saw the 'God' spark, in everything. The Divine is All in All. We are a part of All. It answered so many questions. We are literally the Divine's children. Man, beast and planets. This is how I now view the Divine.
I only need to look at the stars and planets, the earth and oceans, the animals and my neighbor to see the Divine. I believe Jesus understood this and tried to share it with his followers, he led the way showing us the path to our parent. Abba Father.
( my under standing of GOD whom I call the GREAT DIVINE)
About six years ago I had a drug induced revelation, with out the drugs. I was doing laundry at a laundry mat, sitting outside on the stoop, having a smoke when the universe exploded in my mind. I witnessed the 'BIG BANG'. No gas, no matter, just a swirling of ideas. I 'saw' the thought of God. As a single 'being' alone. If I were the Great Divine alone, how would I know myself? How would I know light and dark, self and other, if I had nothing to compare with? Alone, No movement, No light, No other? What if God wanted to experience all? How could it, if there were no other, nothing but 'self'?
I know... lets create a being like self... (I AM) Let's create a place for this other to live, but how, when there is nothing other and from what does self create... from self! from I AM.
All this 'thought' got to spinning around one idea bumping into another idea, like molecules spinning and bumping faster and faster causing friction and heat until.....
"BANG"
God 'thought' blows apart becoming ALL. Not more, not less, but All.Ever wonder what the Great Divine created every thing from? Not magic, something from nothing. I think it must have followed it's own rule that we live by and you can't get something from nothing. So, where did it come from? Children are apart of their parents, the DNA of both lives within the child. We are the Children of the Divine, the Divine must also be apart of us. The Bible says we are created in his image from the dust of the earth. The earth had to come from some where.
In that moment when I 'saw' the Big Bang in my mind I saw the creation of worlds, stars, day, night, plant, animal, fish, birds, bugs, and the human race. I saw the 'God' spark, in everything. The Divine is All in All. We are a part of All. It answered so many questions. We are literally the Divine's children. Man, beast and planets. This is how I now view the Divine.
I only need to look at the stars and planets, the earth and oceans, the animals and my neighbor to see the Divine. I believe Jesus understood this and tried to share it with his followers, he led the way showing us the path to our parent. Abba Father.
( my under standing of GOD whom I call the GREAT DIVINE)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
For now we see in a mirror, darkly
One of our biggest enemies; language. No two people speak the same language. Language is made up of more than speaking words, or signing words if you are deaf. Language incorporates so much more; body stance, tone of voice, and mostly the filters through which we understand and communicate. The last is the hardest for understanding what is being said by someone. When we share something with someone our words aren't necessarily being interpreted by them to mean what we want them to mean.
An example. I love you. Is this a friend, or lover saying these words? If it is a friend are they saying they want to know me as a lover? Do they love me in a non sexual way? Are they trying to get something from me by buttering me up? Now you would think if the words came from a lover, they might mean I hold you as most precious, You are my world, I am committed to you. But depending on your past it might mean nothing more than a friend saying Your my best friend. Sure I love you, but... No one who ever said that to me really did love me so these are just words. Or I am unlovable and you are trying to make me feel good. Wont work, I know I'm not worthy of love.
Everything we experience both spoken and not are understood through the filters of our past. Everyone has them. Some may have less filters than others because they realize how they distort the understanding.
One of my biggest filters come in the form of religion. Everything is clouded by the religious people in my life. I look at an organization that lifts the spirit and empowers the soul and I see all the things I was taught was wrong. Do they believe in this or that. But I was taught... How can anyone call themselves a christian and not believe Jesus is the Son of God? Sounds like a cult to me.
I have found my spiritual connection and yet when I find others of like mind I question their authenticity. How do they come by their understanding... Probably the same way I did. Through trial and error. But this gives you an example of one of my own filters. I see the world through a dark colored lens, distorted by the past. So when I try to share something with someone I am speaking through those filters and they are listening through their own.
And this is how wars are started...
Had a conversation with my sister the other day. It almost blew up in our faces. My religious filters are not as thick as they used to be, I am peeling them back layer by layer. My sister having grown up in the same religious background as my self has very similar filters, though she also has filters built from knowing people I've never met, or places I've never been and experiences we don't share. I shared with her my desire to move to Conyers, Georgia where Bishop Swilley preaches. She started questioning the beliefs of the ministry. When I told her they coincided with my own beliefs, she assumed that I wanted to go there to prop up my own belief system. Have some kind of proof that my thinking was right, which of course to some degree is true. However, she doesn't believe my belief system is valid. Using those religious filters, she sees me, wanting to join some cult. (though she didn't say that, I'm reading her voice to mean that. But of course now I'm looking through a different set of filters that are there to help protect me from harmful words. She may have been thinking something different, though I doubt it.)
Now as to the title of this blog. It comes from, 1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see through a glass, darkly ; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known . This got me thinking. Maybe this means something very profound. Maybe it means that once the filters, all of them, are peeled away we will see each other as well as our selves as we are (naked of anything but our being encompassed by His light.) We will see as we are seen by God. Whole. Perfect. Good.
Bishop Swilley compared the GLBT communities to the story in Acts 11:5-18 Simon Peter had a vision of a sheet that came out of the heavens with every kind of beast on it and told him to eat. But every thing on the sheet was considered unclean by the Jewish law. God said what I have cleansed do not call uncommon. This works for GLBT community as well. Others may call us names, see us and understand us through their filters, but God says we are Good. Genesis 1:31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
When all is said and done, when we come to the next step of our journey we will know, as we are known, with out filters, Good before the Divine.
An example. I love you. Is this a friend, or lover saying these words? If it is a friend are they saying they want to know me as a lover? Do they love me in a non sexual way? Are they trying to get something from me by buttering me up? Now you would think if the words came from a lover, they might mean I hold you as most precious, You are my world, I am committed to you. But depending on your past it might mean nothing more than a friend saying Your my best friend. Sure I love you, but... No one who ever said that to me really did love me so these are just words. Or I am unlovable and you are trying to make me feel good. Wont work, I know I'm not worthy of love.
Everything we experience both spoken and not are understood through the filters of our past. Everyone has them. Some may have less filters than others because they realize how they distort the understanding.
One of my biggest filters come in the form of religion. Everything is clouded by the religious people in my life. I look at an organization that lifts the spirit and empowers the soul and I see all the things I was taught was wrong. Do they believe in this or that. But I was taught... How can anyone call themselves a christian and not believe Jesus is the Son of God? Sounds like a cult to me.
I have found my spiritual connection and yet when I find others of like mind I question their authenticity. How do they come by their understanding... Probably the same way I did. Through trial and error. But this gives you an example of one of my own filters. I see the world through a dark colored lens, distorted by the past. So when I try to share something with someone I am speaking through those filters and they are listening through their own.
And this is how wars are started...
Had a conversation with my sister the other day. It almost blew up in our faces. My religious filters are not as thick as they used to be, I am peeling them back layer by layer. My sister having grown up in the same religious background as my self has very similar filters, though she also has filters built from knowing people I've never met, or places I've never been and experiences we don't share. I shared with her my desire to move to Conyers, Georgia where Bishop Swilley preaches. She started questioning the beliefs of the ministry. When I told her they coincided with my own beliefs, she assumed that I wanted to go there to prop up my own belief system. Have some kind of proof that my thinking was right, which of course to some degree is true. However, she doesn't believe my belief system is valid. Using those religious filters, she sees me, wanting to join some cult. (though she didn't say that, I'm reading her voice to mean that. But of course now I'm looking through a different set of filters that are there to help protect me from harmful words. She may have been thinking something different, though I doubt it.)
Now as to the title of this blog. It comes from, 1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see through a glass, darkly ; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known . This got me thinking. Maybe this means something very profound. Maybe it means that once the filters, all of them, are peeled away we will see each other as well as our selves as we are (naked of anything but our being encompassed by His light.) We will see as we are seen by God. Whole. Perfect. Good.
Bishop Swilley compared the GLBT communities to the story in Acts 11:5-18 Simon Peter had a vision of a sheet that came out of the heavens with every kind of beast on it and told him to eat. But every thing on the sheet was considered unclean by the Jewish law. God said what I have cleansed do not call uncommon. This works for GLBT community as well. Others may call us names, see us and understand us through their filters, but God says we are Good. Genesis 1:31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
When all is said and done, when we come to the next step of our journey we will know, as we are known, with out filters, Good before the Divine.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sex and Gender Brought Me Back to The Divine
Bishop John Shelby Spong is the author of books like...
Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture
Why Christianity Must Change or Die: A Bishop Speaks to Believers In Exile
A New Christianity for a New World: Why Traditional Faith is Dying & How a New Faith is Being Born
He is one of my favorite authors. In his Book Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism, the first chapters is called; A Preamble: Sex Drove Me to the Bible, and the reason for the title of this blog in paraphrase to that title.
My search began soon after I came out as Lesbian. I grew up in an Assembly of God Church. Church on Sunday morning and night, church on Wednesday night Bible Study and Youth Church called CA's, Christ Ambassadors. I knew a lot about the Bible, I knew I was an abomination. So many scriptures told me this. I also knew I felt something deep in my bones when I got close to God. How could my need for a spiritual relationship with God and my sinful nature co-exist?
For years I would go back and forth. Live a lesbian 'life style' or a Christian 'life style' I couldn't have both. Each part of me fought for the right to live. I was never happy, content, or fulfilled with just one. Eventually I gave up. It wasn't doable.
But I still felt a longing for some kind of spiritual connection, so I went searching for other paths that might lead me to the relationship with the Divine I so longed for. I looked into Shamanism having roots in the first Americans, I sought out Native American Shamanism. Herbs, stones, crystals. I read everything I could afford to buy. I found some connection, but not what I was looking for. Eventuality I found a book by John Shelby Spong... Why Christianity must change or Die. It resonated with me. But...
Growing up in the Church you have so many preconceived ideas of what the Bible says and to top it off, there are hooks added to Religion to keep you snagged. You end up looking at anything remotely religious with filters on. Is this a cult? They don't preach it the way I understand it! Satan is a convincing lier and though it sounds good he is the father of lies! I could be turned over to a reprobate mind. I don't want to loose my soul to some false teaching. I mean in the last days false prophets will rise up and in snare the unknowing. FEAR! FEAR! that is the hook.
It took me awhile but I finally realized I was living my parents religion. I had no idea what I believed. I had always believed what I was told to believe. And even as I read the Bible on my own, I heard those sermons of my youth telling me what they meant. I don't know Hebrew, or Greek, or any of the original languages the Bible was written. How can I interpret what is being said. And if I take the word of someone who can read those languages, I right back where I started letting someone else tell me what it means. A no win situation.
I started looking in a whole new direction. With-in. What did my spirit tell me. I still believed that God lived in all of us. I don't know how I knew that but it felt right. I took a merry ride. And someday I may go into the spirit of what I came to believe, but not today, save it for another blog.
I did get back to the Bible, but now I had different eyes to see and ears to hear. Along the way I had read some history of the Christian Church. I don't think most Christians have any idea what the church has gone through to get where it is today. Religion today is based on heresies of the past. Movement of the church into the future has been because of heresy. Someone said your wrong in how you read or understand this, and someone else said heresy.
Just got done watching the movie 'Luther'. The first Martin Luther. What a story. But he was not the first or the last to be called a heretic. Christ was the first. And hopefully there will be many more to come.
I now see the church of present day much like Christ saw the Religious priest and laws of his day. The church has become legalistic. And in some cases hate mongers. What finally got my attention is this... Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. These words have literally saved me. This is about my salvation, not my mother or father's, not my sisters', not the minister's, NO BODIES SALVATION BUT MINE. These words have set me free.
(to be continued)
My search began soon after I came out as Lesbian. I grew up in an Assembly of God Church. Church on Sunday morning and night, church on Wednesday night Bible Study and Youth Church called CA's, Christ Ambassadors. I knew a lot about the Bible, I knew I was an abomination. So many scriptures told me this. I also knew I felt something deep in my bones when I got close to God. How could my need for a spiritual relationship with God and my sinful nature co-exist?
For years I would go back and forth. Live a lesbian 'life style' or a Christian 'life style' I couldn't have both. Each part of me fought for the right to live. I was never happy, content, or fulfilled with just one. Eventually I gave up. It wasn't doable.
But I still felt a longing for some kind of spiritual connection, so I went searching for other paths that might lead me to the relationship with the Divine I so longed for. I looked into Shamanism having roots in the first Americans, I sought out Native American Shamanism. Herbs, stones, crystals. I read everything I could afford to buy. I found some connection, but not what I was looking for. Eventuality I found a book by John Shelby Spong... Why Christianity must change or Die. It resonated with me. But...
Growing up in the Church you have so many preconceived ideas of what the Bible says and to top it off, there are hooks added to Religion to keep you snagged. You end up looking at anything remotely religious with filters on. Is this a cult? They don't preach it the way I understand it! Satan is a convincing lier and though it sounds good he is the father of lies! I could be turned over to a reprobate mind. I don't want to loose my soul to some false teaching. I mean in the last days false prophets will rise up and in snare the unknowing. FEAR! FEAR! that is the hook.
It took me awhile but I finally realized I was living my parents religion. I had no idea what I believed. I had always believed what I was told to believe. And even as I read the Bible on my own, I heard those sermons of my youth telling me what they meant. I don't know Hebrew, or Greek, or any of the original languages the Bible was written. How can I interpret what is being said. And if I take the word of someone who can read those languages, I right back where I started letting someone else tell me what it means. A no win situation.
I started looking in a whole new direction. With-in. What did my spirit tell me. I still believed that God lived in all of us. I don't know how I knew that but it felt right. I took a merry ride. And someday I may go into the spirit of what I came to believe, but not today, save it for another blog.
I did get back to the Bible, but now I had different eyes to see and ears to hear. Along the way I had read some history of the Christian Church. I don't think most Christians have any idea what the church has gone through to get where it is today. Religion today is based on heresies of the past. Movement of the church into the future has been because of heresy. Someone said your wrong in how you read or understand this, and someone else said heresy.
Just got done watching the movie 'Luther'. The first Martin Luther. What a story. But he was not the first or the last to be called a heretic. Christ was the first. And hopefully there will be many more to come.
I now see the church of present day much like Christ saw the Religious priest and laws of his day. The church has become legalistic. And in some cases hate mongers. What finally got my attention is this... Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. These words have literally saved me. This is about my salvation, not my mother or father's, not my sisters', not the minister's, NO BODIES SALVATION BUT MINE. These words have set me free.
(to be continued)
Spiritual not Religious Revival ... Jim Swilley
I've been listening to Jim Swilley a minister in Georgia. A couple of months ago he came out to his congregation as a gay man. His wife had know this before they were married. Because of his religious upbringing he had kept this part of himself under tight lock and key. Never strayed from his vows. Married twice, and with 4 children, he had built a ministry based on the word of God, the Bible. To all the world the appearance of the perfect Christian family. Several months ago he and his wife were divorced. Not because of any indiscretion, but rather at the urging of his wife, who believed that though they taught a message of being real, they themselves were not living up to this mandate. She believed that God wanted him to reveal himself for who he really was, a gay minister who spoke the word of truth as given by God. Rather Bold assumption. But, and here is the kicker, she was right.
Bishop Swilley, finally came out when he heard of the many GLBT youth committing suicide because of bulling. He wanted them to know not only does it get better, but that there is a spiritual life to be had filled with blessings and grace from the Lord Jesus Christ.
I'm not going to tell his story, you can find it at: A Real Message for Real People This and other videos are available, they share a secret that should never have been a secret.
God Loves Everyone Unconditionally.
There is a movement sweeping across the Nations, God is for everyone, just as we are. I believe a Revival (renewal, taking us back to the way it was meant to be, re-newing our acquaintance with our spiritual side, that part of connected to, actually a part of God) is sweeping through the lives of the most unlikely of vessels. The GLBT Christians. I believe a Revival not seen sense the time of Christ is about to blow the Christian world apart, to be reunited as a body of all Gods creation. I am so excited to know that I live in a time when the Christ will be revealed as never before.
The word Christian means "Christ like". It does not mean judge, and executioner. Jesus said there are two commandments I give you.“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew 22:38-40 NIV Just 2 commandments. Leviticus isn't part of those nor are the other verses used by some Christians, those verses are like a millstone around the necks of people searching for the God that said he loves us (warts and all).
Check out Jim Swilley's message. You will find hope, mercy, grace and Love.
Bishop Swilley, finally came out when he heard of the many GLBT youth committing suicide because of bulling. He wanted them to know not only does it get better, but that there is a spiritual life to be had filled with blessings and grace from the Lord Jesus Christ.
I'm not going to tell his story, you can find it at: A Real Message for Real People This and other videos are available, they share a secret that should never have been a secret.
God Loves Everyone Unconditionally.
There is a movement sweeping across the Nations, God is for everyone, just as we are. I believe a Revival (renewal, taking us back to the way it was meant to be, re-newing our acquaintance with our spiritual side, that part of connected to, actually a part of God) is sweeping through the lives of the most unlikely of vessels. The GLBT Christians. I believe a Revival not seen sense the time of Christ is about to blow the Christian world apart, to be reunited as a body of all Gods creation. I am so excited to know that I live in a time when the Christ will be revealed as never before.
The word Christian means "Christ like". It does not mean judge, and executioner. Jesus said there are two commandments I give you.“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew 22:38-40 NIV Just 2 commandments. Leviticus isn't part of those nor are the other verses used by some Christians, those verses are like a millstone around the necks of people searching for the God that said he loves us (warts and all).
- Matthew 18:6
[ Causing to Stumble ] “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a largemillstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
Matthew 18:5-7 - Mark 9:42
[ Causing to Stumble ] “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.
Mark 9:41-43 - Luke 17:2
It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tiedaround their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.
Luke 17:1-3
Check out Jim Swilley's message. You will find hope, mercy, grace and Love.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Lake of the Ozarks Assemblies of God Camp Grounds, Missouri
In some ways I think my grandma Jenkins was my best friend growing up. She seemed to get me. I loved spending time with her at the campgrounds where she lived. I don't know how my folk afforded it, but every summer we kids went to Bible Kids Camp, in the Ozarks. My grandfather when he was alive had bought property on the camp grounds and when he died my grandmother move in there year round. My cousins and I spent our holidays at the Camp with my grandma.
I remember one Thanksgiving, we all ate to much, but David my cousin seems to suffer the most. He wanted some Alka-seltzer. He said 'I can't believe I ate the whole thing'.
Once we had some real live Indians, not the T.V. kind, but real Indians come and share the bible and song with those staying at the camp grounds. That night as I tried to sleep I could hear the drums beat. I was scared to death that the Indians were coming to scalp me. I learned later it was the barrels under the swimming dock knocking together. The girls swimming dock was just below my grandmother house.
You know I miss that old camp grounds. They have changed it so much over the years that I don't recognize it any more. You used to be able to look under the 'pulpit' area and see the boats going by on the lake. When ever the service got a little boring I'm sure I was not the only one to find myself riding in one of those boats in my mind. The whole building was enclosed with just wood and wire screens. It was like being outdoors. Course the down side to that was the bugs and the heat. Kids today don't get to have that experience. The place is now user-friendly. Walls, no viewing the lake and AC. All the ambiance has been drowned in comfort.
My grandma Jenkins is now passed on and her house is sold. I don't live in Missouri any more, but if I did I think I would find it hard to visit the Camp Grounds. So much has changed and my best friend who took me fishing isn't there any more. I miss you grandma Jenkins. I miss the innocents of youth and the old time ambiance of the camp grounds. It's hard getting old.
I remember one Thanksgiving, we all ate to much, but David my cousin seems to suffer the most. He wanted some Alka-seltzer. He said 'I can't believe I ate the whole thing'.
Once we had some real live Indians, not the T.V. kind, but real Indians come and share the bible and song with those staying at the camp grounds. That night as I tried to sleep I could hear the drums beat. I was scared to death that the Indians were coming to scalp me. I learned later it was the barrels under the swimming dock knocking together. The girls swimming dock was just below my grandmother house.
You know I miss that old camp grounds. They have changed it so much over the years that I don't recognize it any more. You used to be able to look under the 'pulpit' area and see the boats going by on the lake. When ever the service got a little boring I'm sure I was not the only one to find myself riding in one of those boats in my mind. The whole building was enclosed with just wood and wire screens. It was like being outdoors. Course the down side to that was the bugs and the heat. Kids today don't get to have that experience. The place is now user-friendly. Walls, no viewing the lake and AC. All the ambiance has been drowned in comfort.
My grandma Jenkins is now passed on and her house is sold. I don't live in Missouri any more, but if I did I think I would find it hard to visit the Camp Grounds. So much has changed and my best friend who took me fishing isn't there any more. I miss you grandma Jenkins. I miss the innocents of youth and the old time ambiance of the camp grounds. It's hard getting old.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Always Knew I was Different
I just got done watching Prayers For Bobby, Sigourney Weaver plays a religious mother who hearing her son is gay disowns him. Her son later kills himself and she is left to deal with it. How she deals with it is the message of this movie. At one point while talking to a PFLAG mother she is told that every mother knows when her child is different. The child knows from an early age as well, that they are different.
I always knew I was different, I just didn't know what the difference was. I can remember at a young age playing in the dirt with my best friend and his toy trucks and haulers. We would build bridges and have rivers running under them. Playing with Erector Sets and Lincoln Logs building sets, we had hours of fun.
I remember when I was about 3 or 4 watching my father shave, and being excited about the day when I too could do that. I did everything with my dad. He trapped rabbits when I was really young, for food. I remember going into the field with him to bring back the rabbits. I don't remember eating them. When I got older we worked a garden together. Someone gave me 12 tomato plants of my very own. We had so many tomatoes that year we sold some to the local grocer.
The best times with my dad was when we went fishing. He taught me everything I know. Where and when to pick worms, the best time to fish, the best weather to fish in. Funny thing my dad didn't like eating fish, just fishing. I liked both. I'm sure my dad didn't know it but he was showing me how to be a man.
I heard plenty of times that my dad wanted a boy. Three girls is what he got. I was born the day before his birthday, I'm sure it was a sign of some kind.
I taught my self to whistle like a guy and even entered a whistling contest on summer. I taught myself to ride a bike. I had this brand new bike I got for Christmas, with training wheels. One day I came home from school and wanted to ride it but it was locked inside the house, cause it was new. My cousin who was younger than me had an old bike his folks had given to me. It was outside, cause it wasn't new. I wanted to ride so bad I got the old boys bike and got on. I was riding around the neighborhood, like I had training wheels on. Mom can home and saw me riding my bike. She asked how I learned, who showed me how, who taught me. I told her I just got on it and forgot about the training wheels. My younger sister got my new bike, and I road proudly with my old boys bike.
I had a doll once. When I was real little. She got into an accident when one of the neighbor boys threw her into some really tall grass. I tried to find her but she was gone. The grass was so tall and who knew what lurked in there. I left her there. Next spring, the grass was flattened and there in the middle of the field was my doll. I took her home cleaned her up and wrapped her in bandages. I have no idea what her name was. I never played with her after that. There was something not right with her. I gave her make believe pills, and re-wrapped her 'broken' body several times. Nothing could fix what was wrong. I think I must have treated her like I thought I needed to be treated. I was some how broken and nothing would fix me I was 3 or 4 years old. I didn't know what was 'wrong' but something was.
I always knew I was different, I just didn't know what the difference was. I can remember at a young age playing in the dirt with my best friend and his toy trucks and haulers. We would build bridges and have rivers running under them. Playing with Erector Sets and Lincoln Logs building sets, we had hours of fun.
I remember when I was about 3 or 4 watching my father shave, and being excited about the day when I too could do that. I did everything with my dad. He trapped rabbits when I was really young, for food. I remember going into the field with him to bring back the rabbits. I don't remember eating them. When I got older we worked a garden together. Someone gave me 12 tomato plants of my very own. We had so many tomatoes that year we sold some to the local grocer.
The best times with my dad was when we went fishing. He taught me everything I know. Where and when to pick worms, the best time to fish, the best weather to fish in. Funny thing my dad didn't like eating fish, just fishing. I liked both. I'm sure my dad didn't know it but he was showing me how to be a man.
I heard plenty of times that my dad wanted a boy. Three girls is what he got. I was born the day before his birthday, I'm sure it was a sign of some kind.
I taught my self to whistle like a guy and even entered a whistling contest on summer. I taught myself to ride a bike. I had this brand new bike I got for Christmas, with training wheels. One day I came home from school and wanted to ride it but it was locked inside the house, cause it was new. My cousin who was younger than me had an old bike his folks had given to me. It was outside, cause it wasn't new. I wanted to ride so bad I got the old boys bike and got on. I was riding around the neighborhood, like I had training wheels on. Mom can home and saw me riding my bike. She asked how I learned, who showed me how, who taught me. I told her I just got on it and forgot about the training wheels. My younger sister got my new bike, and I road proudly with my old boys bike.
I had a doll once. When I was real little. She got into an accident when one of the neighbor boys threw her into some really tall grass. I tried to find her but she was gone. The grass was so tall and who knew what lurked in there. I left her there. Next spring, the grass was flattened and there in the middle of the field was my doll. I took her home cleaned her up and wrapped her in bandages. I have no idea what her name was. I never played with her after that. There was something not right with her. I gave her make believe pills, and re-wrapped her 'broken' body several times. Nothing could fix what was wrong. I think I must have treated her like I thought I needed to be treated. I was some how broken and nothing would fix me I was 3 or 4 years old. I didn't know what was 'wrong' but something was.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
"Awakening"
Thirteen years old, Mom has taken me to the Beauty Salon to get my hair done. For years she tried to do it herself, me sleeping with nails in my scalp. You know the kind of rollers I'm talking about, that is if you are from my age group. Brush curlers with spikes sticking in your head. How in the world was anyone suppose to sleep with daggers poking them all night long?
Saturday nights were all the same a ritual of curling our hair for Sunday morning. I have two younger sisters neither of which seemed to mind the night's torture. I on the other hand cried like a baby. I got awful headaches from laying on those abominations. My hair never had a chance to dry the curls in. Within an hour I was pulling the pins and spiked Brillo pads out of my hair. My mother would have pity on me and help me take them out in a manner that would not pull every last strand of hair from my head.
Next morning my hair had a floppy kind of look. My sisters would be proud of their curls and waves, while mom tried to manage my unmanageable hair. We would head off to church in our Sunday best, me looking every bit like my nick name 'String Bean', thin, lanky, uncoordinated, and a head of hair with a mind of it's own. The dress I wore just never seemed to fit right, while my sisters enjoyed swirling and giggling like kids will.
So, when we moved from Missouri to Maine, my mother tried a new tactic in regards to my hair, a Beauty Parlor. There I could sit under a dryer and not have to sleep on the rollers. I still got headaches, the roller may have been pink with sponges on them, but the lady doing up my hair (they were all the same no matter which woman was doing the fixing) always wrapped my hair so tight it pulled at the roots and caused me pain. True it was faster and easier on the scalp but still a dreaded situation.
I like to read. Remember the National Geographic magazines in the Doctors office? I loved reading them while we waited our turn. My grandparents even gave them to our family as a year long Christmas gift. They were my first Play Boy/Girl magazines. I can not tell a lie, I looked at the pictures of the naked natives. Women with their droopy boobs, men with all their family jewels showing, and round bellied kids hanging on to the closest adult. It was fodder for my imagination.
Beauty Parlors didn't have National Geographic magazines, their style leaned more towards lady's magazines, like Ladies Home Journal, Good House Keeping, Cosmopolitan, and Red Book. They were all the same, like today, they had secrets to keeping your man interested, what was in for fashion and what was not, food recipes and homemaking tips. Boring If I'd thought of it I could have taken a comic book with me. They were my favorite at home reading material. I loved the heroes and the ads. You could make money with some of their offers to buy more comic books. I once sold Christmas cards from one of those ads and won a sleeping bag. But my favorite ads were how to go from wimpy to buff in no time. They always showed this skinny, pimply thirteen year old boy trying to make muscles next to the last Mr. Universe. If I'd had a comic book it would have offered better reading. But if I had been reading a comic book that day I would have missed my awakening.
Thirteen years old, my mother has taken me to the Beauty Parlor. Having nothing better to read I check out the only options available. I've only once see a copy of any Red Book magazine. I picked it up that day in 1967 and scanned the index for something palatable to read. I came across an article called My Daughter, My Son. I had no idea what the topic was about but decided it sounded interesting. It was about a woman who's daughter had told her she was living as a man and planned to have surgery to complete the process. What?! What?! No?! Really?! O My God?! For Real?! For real. My eyes popped. My brain popped. I saw lights flashing. I understood. Deep down inside a glimmer of hope, promise, a look into my own future. Once I knew it was possible it became a constant desire. Though I traveled many roads around the subject for many years, it has started to become a reality.
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